I want to get this shit out, but too lazy... syke.

Warning: Venting for the most part. *thumbs up* Lots o' cussin' and that shit. But like, not emo, mostly frustration, so difference? lawl. Even though emo is emotional and frustrated is still an emotion, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, GAWD.

TL;DR WARNING: Good luck reading all this shit. LOL. –Message brought to you after this fucked up essay was completed. Essay of my life, Danielle Nicole Bailey. Yeah. I had to. (Don't ask, just read and you'll know why this is stupid after reading what's up there). ^ Oh and this does get emo, yay, disclaimers are fun, oh I should actually write a tl;dr thing huh? Hmmmm, nah, just fuckin' read you lazy ass. Besides, those who have been reading might just feel that a tl;dr section is just more shit to read, since, like I said, you read it all anyways.

So like, every day that I let go by without writing a journal just made my next journal longer, and truthfully, it would help me to write everything out that's goin' on/bothering me/etc., but I feel like it's too damn fuckin' long at this point that I'd rather just say it over the phone, except the people that read this either don't have minutes or are not that interested in talking with me. *shrug* I don't really know about the second one, but I'm too in a I don't give a fuck mood. Let me explain why.

Alright, so last time I wrote a journal it was the day before classes started, well, I thought about writing a journal just for that day (The first day of class that is, man, even with a few drinks I can still make more sense than when totally in a clearer mind), but I had been writing journals for every two days, not just one day, so I thought, why break the chain. Well, I should have written it 'cause that awesome day is gray, it's so far away from my mind now it's not even funny, no really, it's fuckin' not.

So, basically classes were easy shit. I already knew what they were talkin' about, I was like, wtf, where am I, 'cause this ain't college... And the next few days were like that, throw in there not having all my books and freakin' out, and rushin' everywhere to get on time, you know, it's fuckin' awesome still and I wish I could explain how awesome college is, but I'm too fuckin' lazy. This is going to be tl;dr as it is, so..... actually, see, this is one of my problems, I REALLY wanted those that are reading this, how awesome college is, but now you're just going to see it through my uncaring eyes at this point. Okay, not totally uncaring, but uncaring at this point, which means I probably shouldn't be writing a journal right now, but I don't give a fuck. I've been wanting to write this damn thing ever since I woke up, so. Yeah. Seriously though, college is awesome. Lorey knows it at least, she knows all the great things in the area and how great campus is! There's another person that doesn't know, but they'll soon find out, or wait, maybe not soon, but... eventually.... or maybe not, IDK, I don't know the future or if I want to show them personally, which brings me to another one of my issues, but I'll save that for later.

So classes were awesome, Friday was a blur, I don't even want to like, try to decipher, I remember free Hookah and that's about it LOL. Um.... next day went to the UC football game, was lonely 'cause we had to stay in our seats and no one was around me, like, at all, okay, there were people, but I had no clue who they were. I was thinkin' about shit that was none of my business to think about, gettin' jealous and upset, while I was at a damn football game, which was pretty awesome, even though we lost by two (it was against Oklahoma, which is actually a team out of our league so supposedly we did great even though we lost, of course, I didn't know this because I'm a freshman lul). So yeah, and to add on top of that, it became the last night I'd ever get to talk with my mom. She called me while I was on the way to the game, which I just lost god da..... still can't say GD, but anyways, I was on the way to the game and I couldn't understand her and told her I'd call her back.

Well, I didn't get home from the game until 2:30, well actually, I was over a friend's house and didn't get "free" time until 2:30, which is total bullshit 'cause I could have called her before then, but I still tried her house number and the number of her "friend's" (definitely not her friend) cell phone and couldn't get a hold of her. I didn't think anything of it and went to sleep.

Next day, Saturday, the one before this past Saturday, so a little over a week ago, wow, has it really only been that short? I guess so, I mean, I know it has, but so much shit has gone on it's fucked up. So Saturday I get a call around 8:44 am, okay, so I get a call EXACTLY at that time LOL. Anyways, so I get a call sayin' we can't wake your mom up, we've called 911, we're on our way to get you, and I'm like, okay, she's goin' to the hospital, so I pack some stuff to study, and on the way to the house I muse over the whole, we can't wake whoever up scenario meaning death, well, of course, I didn't amusingly think it over, I seriously thought about dealing with Alice's death if it were going to come to that. So I thought of letting her know that it was okay for her to go home, that she won't be in pain anymore and no one could steal from her anymore and that I was strong enough to know that she would be "better" if she (scene change! My dorm to Chelsea's house, yay! Anyways…) were to pass on. Well when I got to the house I was told she did, (added that comma, yeah, proofreading lol) in fact, move on, however it was two hours before hand so I felt a little betrayed that they didn't tell me she was dead before on the phone, but I understood that they probably didn't want me to freak out while they weren't around to comfort me or whatever, but I felt led on, if that makes any sense, to believe she still had a chance, yep, that makes sense (added after essay was finished, I like giving my proofreading credit! Damn it's almost one in the damn morning, I started this before 9!).

So I cried a little at first and then went into shock, peeps came over, yadda yadda, the people that came over are probably going to be the ones reading this, so there's no use in explaining that, besides, I'm tired of repeating what happened.

The next week was full of missing classes, making phone calls, and feeling like I was getting no where. I still need to find out what my mom's health insurance was, I still need to find out her cause of death, which means I need to figure out if I want to continue to pressure those in power to have an autopsy done, well, those with the power to do such a thing, or simply a toxicology report, what was in her blood, would be enough for me if it came out that she over dosed on some of her medications or something. Well then of course I would have to figure out if I want to pursue accusing the one person (Another scene change, back to my dorm room, and after a few drinks I don't feel like I don't give a shit any more, but isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Oh well, I feel like being into what I'm typing now, not that I wasn't before, but I'm more okay with writing it, if that makes any sense. Idk, I could be writing some bullshit now and I won't realize it until I read it some other date from now, but this is what I feel at this moment. Maybe writing this will help someone understand why sometimes, this kind of thing is needed for coping, anyways, before I branch off into some philosophical shit, I better pick up where I left off, by the way, there's like hella typos, but I keep going back to revise them lawl) that might have killed her, but I can't determine that without any kind of evidence, WHICH I CAN'T GET.

I have Judy, which is the program coordinator for the Generation 1 theme house in Stratford Heights dorms, telling me that I might just have to let it go (At this point, I can't even reread what I wrote and need sleep, I'm submitting this and will edit later, if I feel the need to lol. This is the last thing written on this. Night. *hugs* lol. YAY ESSAY PUZZLE. If you understand what I mean, I love you. If not, you can suck my dick and fucking like it. Yay Eminem, OH SHIT, I forgot to say that he's been helping me make my anger and frustration flow out. "You don't know how sick you make me, you make me fuckin' sick to my stomach, every time I think of you, I puke!" And this is where my present conscious leaves you and may my past conscious make some kind of connection with your present one, for I am too tired to make more sense of this shit. Again, good night. Here's a good night hug, for Lorey, no one else gets one, unless you decide to hug me at the end of this, 'cause, I could really use some hugs, even if they're over the internet. *goodnight hug for Lorey*), and not ever find out how she died. Fuck that, sorry, but she's my mom, no, wait, I'm not sorry, she's my mom, and if I have to, I'll take out a loan to find out how she died. A part of me feels like it's my right to know how she died. And at this point I'm really amazed how my thoughts are directly appearing on the screen, ANYWAYS, haha.

So no luck on life insurance yet, I've been trying to get an appointment with my mom's dead attorney's husband, D. Leggit lol, to find out all this shit. Thankfully he found a will stating that everything goes to me, or else I would have had to go to court against her filthy, greedy brother, John, to get what is "rightfully mine." Now, I mean, I care if I get it, but it's not the most important thing to me. What's important is that I find out how she died and well, that's about it at this point, no wait, it's also important if she gets her final wish of being cremated and buried with her father, did I mention that her brothers have to okay that? No, I don't think I did, so guess what!? I might have  to go to court against them ANYWAYS. And the way I see it, they don't really have a say, yeah I know, that's their father, but damn, they weren't the ones that took care of their parents while they were dying, my mom did, and she has a right to lay beside them in eternal rest, she loved them, while her brothers were greedy pieces of shit, well, that is what they appeared to me to be, even if I was like, 7 years old or whatever, and that's what they appear to me to be even now, but of course, they might have changed since then, but I highly doubt it.
So, what else to rant about. Oh classes are screwin' me over now. I became hella confused in Biology 101 (Now I understand why it's whatever 101, it's an actual college like, statement? Idk the right word for it right now, and this isn't the exact moment when I realized it, but this is the first time I've been able to say that anyways….) 'cause my professor started lecturin' about some shit I forgot, but now I think I'm doin' okay because I went to an SI session (supplementary instruction session, which exists because the class is "naturally difficult" Oh and if you put a : and a ) by each other, it's a smily face on Word lawl, just found that out by accident, and again I say NEWAYS!!! HA NEW WAY BITCH, of saying that same thing that is…..)))))  <- THAT IS A SMILEY IN WORD. <-actual last thing written 1:01am) lul, amused. UM ANYWAYS DAMN IT, and it's fucked up how I'm learning more Chemistry from Biology than I am from Chemistry 'cause duh, IT'S BIO NOT CHEM, but I am, the Chem. Professor is from Switz., not that it's hard to understand him, but I've been focusing more on Bio than chem, which reminds me, I need to find my PRS clicker for Chem, too lazy to explain what that is, okay, it a remote, that has multiple choices on it, A,B,C,D,etc. and there will be a question and the choices will be on an overhead and you select the choice you think is right and it's recorded with your name and shit, it's nifty and now I think I've already explained that, yep, well, now, you definitely know what a PRS clicker is LOL.

Um, today was particularly stressful, 'cause after a fun weekend, that wasn't all that fun, I was feeling lonely and wanted someone to cuddle and NO ONE BUT MY EX TEXT ME WTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. NOT COOL, MAN, NOT COOL. Anyways, I like the word anyways lol, it helps draw attention away from the previous statement and towards the next, so like, you can make it seem the last statement isn't all that important, when in reality, it might be. Yeah, see what I did there? Haha, but really, anyways, Camp Bearcat was a blast and we did silly fun shit, that I'm actually really too lazy to explain right now, especially when I already explained in detail to one of the people that might read this so why repeat myself? I'll just tell you, Lorey, when we get Hookah next LOL. It's a DATE, YOU HERE ME!? A DATE. ANYWAYS.

Yesterday I slept when we got back around 1:30pm, and woke up at 7, wtf, why, you know why? 'Cause I lost the game, yeah lol. No, but because I came down with a cold or SOME STUPID SHIT. So I sort of freaked out 'cause I don't know if I still have insurance 'cause my mom died and I spent the insurance money UC gave me back, but now I think it's okay 'cause several people have told me that I should still have insurance. So good on that, but I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been imbibing (OH YEAH LOOK AT THAT, A VOCAB WORD FROM HIGH SCHOOL. Man, that's really depressing. :c) vitamin C likes it's the LORD THY SAVOR. Okay, now I'm just bein' dumb, but maybe that'll make someone laugh, Idk. I'll be SUCCESSFUL if I did. And if someone raegs (raeges??? Spelling???), I will also be successful. Alright yeah, now I'm being dumb.

So today my academic advisor tried to talk me into considering taking "a breather" and dropping all of my classes until next quarter. So this really stressed me out, I don't feel like stopping right here, even for a break, because well, I guess I'm just that hard on myself. They said, 'cause my academic advisor is Kayti (Another damn "Katie" :/) K. Lawl, Kayti K. I like how her name is spelled, anyways, I have like two advisors, Kayti which is under another chick, Barb B., who is getting a promotion so Kayti is getting a lot of Barb's "students." So they said that it might be best for "Danielle" to have a breather because Bio and Chem are difficult subjects even in "normal circumstances." And "this is definitely not by any means, a normal circumstance." But I still feel like it isn't right to just take a break, I don't know why, but it just doesn't feel right, but then again, I don't know how difficult these classes will really turn out to be. I'm a little nervous about this and I wanted the, well, like, two people who will read this opinions.

This brings me to another dilemma. I have a couple people who mean a lot to me, and it saddens me that to one of these people I do not mean as much to them as they do to me, but there's nothing I can do about that at this exact moment, except well, just be me I guess. See, my dilemma is, I don't have a mother, I have a sister and someone that means very dear to me and helps me feel like everything is okay, even when it's obviously not. Now, I don't exactly want to have any kind of contact with this person, 'cause I don't want to interact with them while I still have feelings for them, which I will explain something about that in a second. But on the other hand, they really help me, a lot, it's like, no matter what, they can make me feel tranquilized. But what emotion is that? Is that a part of love or what? Peace? I don't think that's a bad thing to feel, but what I think I need to figure out is, is that a part of my love? And I don't want to apologize for loving this person, but I do want to make them feel comfortable, and not that I'm "PINING (fuck you Lorey lol)." WHICH MAKES ME COME TO, OMG, I REMEMBERED HOW I GOT OVER CRUSHES.

In my mind, when I think about getting over "crushes" (Idk if this is a crush or what, but damn, I gotta get over it before I drown myself or some shit) I picture a HUGE room, a cylinder of sorts, and the wall, 'cause a cylinder room would only have one circular wall lol, is one big book shelf. And on this shelf are letters, letters of names that represents every thought and feeling I have about that person or thing that that specific letter or letters represent. Well, if I find myself thinking about loving them or kissing them or what not, I reject the thought and push that letter, or those letters, into a mental closet. Now, of course some people might say, oh you're running from your problems, you're not accepting the fact you still have feelings for them and you're trying to run from your feelings. Um sorry, but no, I'm PRETTY sure I have indeed acknowledged this fact and this is my way of "getting over them" putting them somewhere in my mind so that I don't think about them, and eventually I will not think of them. Now, this has worked in the past, with Olivia, Krista, etc., but when I think about it, what have those relationships turned out to be? I care about them sure, but not to the extent I did, which is sort of the point, but I don't want the same exact outcome to result from this scenario. Or maybe, I do? See I'm really confused, really, really, really confused, and it's at this point that I cry, not because I still love someone that doesn't feel the same about me, but it's because I don't know what to do at this point. Walk away from my feelings, get over them, move on, whatever you want to say, but, it's like, I'm doing that because it's because it will save me pain, not because I want to do it, but do I want to do it to save whatever kind of relationship I can with that person, friendship speaking here. Is it worth it? Is it worth to sacrifice your love to keep someone that hardly cares about you? I mean, I know they care, but to what extent? And maybe, I'm not sacrificing the love I feel for them, but for myself, so I won't drag myself down, or get depressed or whatever. See, right now, I'm reaching out, not to try to guilt or drag shit out, but because I'm hoping, that if I explain how I feel, I'm more understood (I wrote understanded lol).

And at this point I'm crying and think that topic is left as it is, but I still feel I could put more into it, but I just, I don't think it will be received as I wish it to be, so I better not try to push my feelings, though, it's more venting than rather trying to push. I'm asking for advice, but, it's fucked up, 'cause it's more from the person it's about that I wish would respond than anyone else, but whatever, they probably won't, and that's cool 'cause that's some emo shit that no one really wants to read or some stupid shit like that.

SO enough about that shit, tired of that shit. I went out on a date with a lovely man named Salvator, now, I know what you're thinkin', what the fuck, you're a whiny bitch complainin' about still loving someone, but you're seeing someone????? WHAT.T HE. FUCK. IS. YOUR. PROBLEM? RIGHT? Well, I wish you'd tell me, 'cause I have no fuckin' clue. Now, anyways, I do have a clue lol, see the above "problem," if you will, is something I just thought about earlier today, talk with someone who helps me, or avoid them until I just see them as a friend and it doesn't fuck with me to talk with them, now, when I'm actually talking with them, it's not a problem, but when I have time to think, it does, but anyways, enough about that. So, the above is minimal, why? 'Cause I think it might just work out on it's own, do I want it to? No, I want advice, which is why I expressed it. Now, boys, oh boy, boys. What the hell, really? Why the fuck, do you, decide to come out of FUCKIN' NO WHERE!!!!????? Joushuyoo (so sweet <3333), Conner (stalker FOR REAL, crazy type man), Salvator (Fluent in German, works at Gamestop, and will tutor me in the ways of Sie Deutschland, okay no, just the language, oh and piano, so I can put these "piano hands" to work! In exchange for porn of course LOL. OKAY DRAWN PORN GUYS, NOT ACTUAL PORN, 'KAY??? Wait, that's still porn, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!), Cameron (who isn't actually interested in me, but he's on my, you're cute, nice, fun, relaxing, and I'm interested group lol), and finally, another Josh (pretty boy, categorizing as DANGEROUS, has many chicks fallin' on him, and I refuse to fall, but he pets me, and his hair is soft and he has the prettiest eyes ever, or not, I have emotional bias for other PEOPLE, but you know, he's pretty, so…. Technically, he's my eye candy LOL). So…. I'm thinkin', damn, she fuckin' underestimated me. Google a flirt guide? Really? Thanks for the advice, but I think I got it…. Lul. And for real, I didn't flirt that much, just, was myself, now, with Salvator, definitely flirted. I have a date with him tomorrow! : D I'm excited.

OH WHICH REMINDS ME, I'm on my way to quitting smoking again, even though I had a cigarette at Chelsea's, but I only had one in 24 hours, so I think I'm good, I was just hella cravin' it, let's see how tomorrow goes. Oh oh, and I'm getting into Parkour, which is the main reason why I want to quit smoking, 'cause you can't be doin' SPONTANEOUS FLIPS and have FUCKED UP LUNGS at the same time lol. So I signed up for Tennis 1, a one hour credit course in, uhhh, Tennis! xDDDD Oh and I did drop my Pre Calc class (I typed Clawss lol), 'cause I felt it was going to sneak up on me and I think it'll be okay if I take it next quarter. I'm also getting into the Physical Conditioning course too. So like, watch out, next time you see me, I might be SOOPEUR BUFF, yes, I had to spell it that way (speel lol for spell)! So yeah, I'm going to quit smoking, in the process of it, I don't really want another cigarette or anything right now, and I'm going to learn how to do front flips off building roofs and live! YAY! Haha, if you don't know what Parkour is, you need to Youtube it, NOW.

Anyways, I kept thinking I saw Joushuyoo on campus today, like I would get SUPER EXCITED, but then I'd be like, he's not up here wtf, so I really want to see him. ;3;

And now, I feel like, I need to sleep, before I start caring about what I'm saying and how my emotions are appearing to people as and all kind of shit.
Oh and P.S.-I might be double majoring in Psychology, I think it's interesting how humans think, and besides, we're animals too. *wink* Damn, now I have the Bad Touch stuck in my head. EMO.
Night, love you guys, I'm tired, and emo, and uhhhh, stuff. *cuddles anyone who will*
Oh, I was reading over this when I was reminded of something. If you notice, I don't really mention anything about me dealing with the emotions from the death of my mom. Well, I'll have you know, that every so often I get really saddened by it, but I'm trying to keep those emotions at bay until all of this legal business is over with. But something that really did depress me yesterday when I realized I was sick was, I don't have a mom any more to get me chicken noodle soup. I don't have a mom any more that will tuck me in a bed and call me off sick from school. I don't have a mom any more that will tell me she loves me even if I yell at her. I don't have a mom any more that will support me no matter what I do or who I am. I have a friend, a buddy of sort, over WoW, who lost his dad. He said, it was the small things that you have to remember to keep you going even after they're gone, and he's right, I sort of knew what he meant, but when I thought of the soup, I knew, then, what he meant. Everyone, everyone that still has family alive and well, appreciate every single little thing you can, and I know one person that does this, and I respect you for it, even if I don't fully agree with everything you'll stand by for 'cause it's your family, I'm glad, that there is nothing you don't miss, when it comes to them. You know who you are, at least, you should. Anyways, I wanted to say that, I realized, I don't have a mom to bring me chicken noodle soup anymore while I lay in bed cozy under blankets she just wrapped me in. Think about that, realize my emotion, and understand, that even though I may talk about some other situational drama, or emotion, it's because I'm okay with dealing with those emotions right now, and I keep the ones that really hurt, deep inside. Alright, I'm getting too deep lol. Night. *self hug*

If anything, if you say nothing else, a hug, emote, that is, would be greatly helpful. Oh, thank you, Katie, for the initial hug you gave me, when you saw me that Sunday my mother died, I didn't know how to react, but it helped. And of course, thank you Lorey for being my sister, and even though Word doesn't know your name exists, I still love you. LOL. I hope I'll be able to hear your voice soon, and that we'll be able to enjoy some fine Hookah even though I'm not smoking any more, and it will be a grand guilty pleasure. <3 Heart balloons for both of you. ~<3 ~<3 And for Krista and Carmen if they ever read this shit. ~<3 ~<3 And one balloon for anyone else. ~<3 'Cause this shit is so tl;dr, I think someone would have to pay me to read it. Okay, unless, it was like, Lorey or Katie. Or some emo shit from Krista, or someone of that nature, you know what I mean.
*reaches out for hug(s)*

Note-Written in Word 'cause it was just that tl;dr. Oh and this is the last thing for real written here, don't ask why I have to make sure you know where I left this. I don't really know why. Maybe for your amusement. I lost count how many pages this was in Word, btw. And I had to add the paragraph spaces 'cause copying from Word to Devi isn't user friendly. >c